


The Diary of Sterling Archer

by ph33r



Category: Archer (Cartoon)
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2020-02-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:22:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22668493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ph33r/pseuds/ph33r
Summary: I wanted to write daily diary entries from Sterling Archer's perspective as he goes on his missions around the world as a secret agent of ISIS. Please note that ISIS is not the al Qaeda splinter group but rather the fictional international spy agency of the show, which stands for the International Secret Intelligence Service.
Kudos: 10





	The Diary of Sterling Archer

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to try my hand at writing daily diary entries from Sterling Archer's perspective. It's a character I love, and I love the show and all of its voice actors. This is my first fic and my first attempt! I'll see how it goes. I take requests if you'd like to see a ship, etc. so please don't hesitate to let me know if there's something you'd like to see. Thanks for reading!

Monday, September 18

Rude awakening. Woke up with Cheryl’s ocelot, Babou, sitting on my face. I’m staying a week in the Tunt Manor, cat sitting for Cheryl and it’s Tuntulous. Babou eats raw tuna steaks and his turds are the size of my shoes. Speaking of my shoes, he ate my suede driving moccasins last night, the ones I bought in Rome on that last mission commissioned by Berlusconi, the mafia don himself. I asked the salesgirl to meet me for drinks and she met me after work. I wanted to see how the Romans lived so she took me back to her cramped apartment. She put on some opera and I fucked her over her kitchen table. Her mother knocked on the door right as I was coming on her tits. She cleaned herself off and opened the door. There she was in the doorway, a big fat Italian mamma. She was a fatter, thicker, older version of the girl whose tits I just came on but she was all woman with a thick juicy ass. She was holding a huge package of fresh pasta in her hands, bought from a fancy take-out place. The two started doing those big dramatic Italian greetings and nonstop kisses on the cheeks. I thought about proposing a threesome but I had to meet Berlusca's henchmen early the next morning so I cut out. When in Rome!

So there I was, half covered in cat hair and cat ass in Tunt Manor. Got out of the shower to a call from mother. She sounded very excited about a case. A case in St. Moritz. Pronounced Sankt Moritz, you unwashed heathens. Skiing, whores, oligarchs, and après-ski. What more could you want from life? She wanted to assign it to Lana but I wouldn’t let her, told her I was confident I could pull it off. A black woman in Switzerland would stand out like...a black woman in Switzerland. Last time a beautiful black woman went to Switzerland was probably Oprah and remember how they treated her? She tried to buy a $38,000 designer handbag and they chased her out of the store. I hung up the phone and thought about the mission. SANKT MORITZ, BITCHES! I called Woodhouse and told him to get my Vuitton luggage ready with a week's worth of black cashmere Miyake tacktle-necks, jump boots and the darkest thickest denim in my walk-in. Cashmere's perfect for St. Moritz. I’m going on that mission, dammit. I am what I own. I weep for the next generation of secret agents who'll probably have to wear a wool-cashmere blend.

What else happened today? I got into my El Camino and on my way to work, guess who pulled up to me on the corner of 7th and 50th? Krieger in his "want some candy little girl?" van. At the red light, he rolled down his window, raised his eyebrow, and gunned the engine. He wanted to race. Race me?! A SECRET AGENT! I told him to back the fuck up with his rape van, and told him to head to the UES and lure some Brearley School girls into his rape van with whatever Brearley girls like. It's not candy, that's for sure. On strict diets by yoga moms the time they're ten. I floored it and left him in my dust. He crashed into the back of a NYPD cop car. But it was just a transit cop so it didn’t count. Game over.

I got to work and met Cheryl’s temp, hot as hell. I’ll be in those lace panties by the end of the week. I gave her a framed photo of me to put on her desk. She put it on her seat, face-up, and sat on it. We might be fucking by the end of the workday.

I went over to see mother and in the hallway, I saw Cyril come out of the bathroom, stand in front of the door, take a couple deep breaths, and run back in. Fucking Cyril Faggis.

Looked into the break room on the way over to mother and spied a fresh box of donuts. Pam and Lana were stuffing their faces with Boston Cremes. I picked up a donut but accidentally dropped it on the ground. Just as I was about to grab it, Krieger ran in, grabbed it from the ground, and started eating it. Totally Krieger.

Lana was telling Pam she went on a date last night with a famous basketball player from the New York Knicks. She said his hands were very cold which wouldn't have been an issue if he wasn't so touchy-feeling. Said he was dressed like he was still on the court so Pam asked if the date was before or after a game, and she said no. She said he was wearing a knee brace. On both knees. Sweatbands on each arm. And a headband. And a pair of sports goggles on his head. Pam said she’s still fuck him because he wouldn’t be wearing any of that to bed. Lana said he kept grabbing at his crotch. They started to fool around when they got to his place and he called her Mommy. She threw it away! Threw the whole date away! Pam told her she went on a date the other night and the guy was so pathetic she gave him a pity fuck. They had pity sex. He even cried afterwards. That reminds me. I had nothing to drink today. Don’t think I need it.

Note to self: have Woodhouse order me more suede driving moccasins and bill them to Cheryl. Order some ocelot chew toys and have them billed to her, too. Or have Babou sent to the Bronx Zoo for safekeeping till Cheryl comes back. Does the Bronx Zoo board exotic pets? She’d kill me if she found out. Maybe scratch that from the list. Have Woodhouse call the zoo to bring someone over to at least give him a manicure.

Big idea: When something’s new and improved, which is it? If it’s new, it’s the first of it’s kind. If it’s an improvement, there must’ve been something wrong with it. So what was wrong with it?

Now to see mother for my assignment...


End file.
